Hermione Granger Rules the World!
by WordE.Smith
Summary: Hermione Granger is trying to keep it together - her business, her life, and her sanity - as the whole world seems against her. By the end, she'll either end up ruling the Wizarding World or running from it.
1. Prologue

**Date: **July 2009

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter, JK Rowling does. I earn no money from this.

**Pairing(s): **At the moment – Harry/Ginny, (past) Ron/Hermione

**Summary: **Hermione Granger is trying to keep it together - her business, her life, and her sanity - as the whole world seems against her. By the end, she'll either end up ruling the Wizarding World or running from it.

**Note: **This story will reflect life – in that I mean that there will be heterosexual and homosexual relationships between characters. Additionally, this will probably end up a rare!pair story. I'm not sure yet. Nothing explicit will be in this story. I don't know how to write that.

* * *

**HERMIONE GRANGER IS OUT OF CONTROL, SAYS HOGWARTS HEADMASTER**

**February 21****st****, 2005**

By: Oona O'Hare

It has only been five weeks since recent divorcée Hermione Granger published her last controversial essay – "Why Strain Your Eyes?: Wizarding Light Bulbs for a Brighter Future" – but she is back at it. (See A7 for reactions to Granger's last essay) Her newest paper was released earlier today and is already heating up the British public. Her latest piece is entitled 'Educational Plans: A New Model for British Wizarding Education.' It is her most radical argument yet. This time the former Gryffindor has taken on Hogwarts. Granger, known for her muggle heritage and audacious thinking, has taken Britain and the entire Wizarding world to task for their exclusive boarding schools and lack of options for students. Granger advocates day schools and individualized curricula for each student saying, "Not every student is suited to the boarding school model. The Wizarding world needs to break with tradition in order to best educate their population.' Former Hogwarts Headmistress Minerva McGonagall says that Granger's new essay crosses the line: 'I have appreciated Ms. Granger's unique views in the past, but to imply that a Hogwarts education is substandard is to attack the very heart of the Wizarding world." Current Headmaster, Filius Flitwick, has also weighed in: "Granger is out of control. She was an excellent charms student, but this is ridiculous. She is ridiculous."

Indeed! None of Ms. Granger's essays to date have received a warm reception from Britain's top Wizarding minds and this one is likely to be given the same, if not worse, treatment. Famous arithmancer, school governor, and former Hogwarts professor Verone Vector released a statement today in which he decried his former student. "She is a crass pseudo-academic. Her writings are intended to provoke rather than encourage any real any worthwhile discourse. Peronsally, I would see her name stricken from the national roll of Master Arthimancers." (For more on Granger's career see A9) In his statement, Vector asked for a "call to arms" by Britain's top intellectuals. He says that only together can they counter and quash Granger's "pernicious influence."

Not only intellectuals are waving the anti-Granger banner, however. Deep with the bowels of the Ministry itself, many are restless with anxiety over Granger's work. Many are calling for action. Marietta Edgecombe, top Ministry employee and newly appointed Head of the Improper Use of Magic Office, is leading the charge. "In this newest "essay" I think Granger finally reveals herself. She is anti-wizard and pro-muggle," Edgecombe said to _Daily Prophet_ reporters earlier today. "She seeks to destroy our traditions. She delights in her attempt to crumble the foundations of our beliefs. Her newest tripe shows this in spades." Before leaving the atrium for her office, Madam Edgecombe reminded reporters that Granger has been investigated multiple times for breaking the Statue of Secrecy and that a new investigation into the matter is ongoing. (For Granger's criminal record see A10) She has yet to be convicted for any charges related to revealing magic to the muggle populace.

Granger, it should be noted, is not without her allies. Harry Potter, Westgate Winged Horses' star seeker and real life hero, has stated on record that he supports his childhood friend: "Her heart is always in the right place." And Ginny Potter _née _Weasley continues to publicly support Granger. (For the Potters' rumored marriage problems see A5) _The Quibbler_ also advocates Granger's position as do a number of radical publications. _Mudblood_, an illegal underground bulletin with a decidedly anti-wizard slant, has declared her Witch of the Year and endorsed her as their candidate for Minister of Magic in the upcoming election.

Despite the near-constant media blitz surrounding her, Granger has remained mum. The reclusive self-styled intellectual has refused to speak to any media outlet since her 1999 marriage to Ron Weasley after the fall of You-Know-Who. Her ex-husband and Chudley Cannons keeper, Weasley, has also stayed silent on the subject of Granger, refusing to talk about their October divorce. Rumors are beginning to circulate that the couple's divorce was prompted by politics (as well as Granger's alleged inability to conceive). Lavender Brown's tell-all book about the Weasleys due out later this month is sure to keep the media at Granger's door for months to come and will, perhaps, break the silence.

For now, we are left only with Granger's writings and old interviews with the fabulous Rita Skeeter. (See "Hermione Granger: Friend or Foe?" on A8) The Wizengamot plans to meet later this month to discuss Granger's body of work so we can hope to hear more then.

[To read Ms. Granger's essays in full see the _Evening Prophet_]

[For more information on Granger see our special section – A7 to A10]

**Hermione Granger: Friend or Foe?**

By: Rita Skeeter

Hermione Granger has been called many things – genius, know-it-all, idiot, heartbreaker, fool, and ruthless conniver. Today another epithet is added to an already substantial list – Foe of the Wizarding World. By now the divorced Miss Granger has exercised her influence over some of the greatest wizards of our world. Viktor Krum, Harry Potter, and Ron Weasley have all been subject to her machinations, their broken hearts littering her wake. However, she has taken her desire for destruction outside the romantic realm and into the political one.

Her new crop of essays, one published every six weeks, is trying to ruin our world. With the puzzling publishing pattern, Granger is attempting to keep the Wizarding World off balance. Still reeling from her idea for light bulbs – which are just glorified flames encased in glass – she attacks again with an attempt to change Hogwarts itself.

Hogwarts has been controversial in the past, but never as controversial as Granger herself is currently. Every student goes through Hogwarts, learning from its intelligent professors and unique House system, and the Wizarding world has never been stronger. Hogwarts is stronghold of the Wizarding world. Hermione Granger is not any of these things.

Hermione Granger has always had an enormous ego. As a child, she saw herself as some sort of seductress – playing with the hearts of multiple Triwizard champions. As an adult, Hermione Granger's ego has only grown. After callously spurning the love of Cannons Keeper, Ron Weasley, Granger has turned her mind to the political realm. It is rumored in the halls of the Ministry that Granger stalks from office to office, attempting to charm her way into the minds – and the beds! – of many of the Ministry's top officials.

Granger caused uproar when she stepped out with former Hufflepuff Eloise Midgen and a few weeks later when she was seen on a date with former Slytherin Vincent Crabbe. This devil-may-care attitude towards romance can be seen in her attempted seduction of Ministry employees. Cormac McLaggen of the Department of Games and Sports exclusively told this reporter, "I went on a couple of dates with her at Hogwarts, but I didn't know she'd remember that as well as she did. She came into my office a couple of weeks ago in this ridiculous get-up. Looked quite the tart, frankly. And then she tried to kiss me! Tried to tell me promote some muggle sports! I threw her out. I was shocked." Cordula Fudge, former Minister Cornelius Fudge's niece and current employee in the office of Magical Equipment Control, has reported much the same. "I'm quite older than her. I was quite shocked. I'm married! She has sent me multiple bouquets of flowers. She's odd and frightening!"

Dear readers, I must tell you that these new reports of Hermione Granger are quite alarming. Trust me when I say that she is a dingbat. She purports herself as a harmless intellectual, but she is a malevolent presence in the Wizarding world. Readers, show Hermione Granger that we did not just fall off the back of a broom. We won't fall for her tricks!

**Educational Plans: A New Model for British Wizarding Education**

By: Hermione Granger

Edited by Rita Skeeter

_The editors of the Daily Prophet have seen fit to edit this essay, cutting out words and phrases that may be upsetting to readers. All changes are within brackets. It was also shortened and condensed for space purposes._

The Wizarding World has experienced many changes over the last seven years, since I graduated from Hogwarts. Hogwarts has stood the test of time, however, adapting and adjusting to these changes as best it could. During the war, Hogwarts taught a progressive curriculum and when [You-Know-Who] took over the school Hogwarts was subject to politics, including a Muggle Studies course that taught the supposed "uselessness" of Muggles. Hogwarts has had its triumphs and its flops. It is an institution like any other and we cannot expect perfection.

In the wake of [You-Know-Who's] defeat, we can hope for a new future in all things, including education. Hogwarts is a fine school, turning out a larger number of great wizards and witches, but it is not enough. In the muggle world, there are a number of educational institutions from which a student can choose. Some students choose boarding schools, like Hogwarts, while others opt to go to day schools. These schools are ones in which the students return home each day to live with their families.

Some [silly] students fear the first day of school and do not wish to leave home. Introducing other, different schools into Britain could easily solve this problem. Students would never have to face the tears and homesickness if they did not want to.

Additionally, to best teach students, subjects should have differentiation of levels. I have seen numerous [hapless] students struggle through advanced subjects for which they were not prepared. There should be differentiation earlier within the educational system – remedial and advanced courses from second year onwards.


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter, JK Rowling does. I earn no money from this.

**Pairing(s): **At the moment – Harry/Ginny, (past) Ron/Hermione, (past) Lucius/Narcissa

**Summary: **Hermione Granger is trying to keep it together - her business, her life, and her sanity - as the whole world seems against her. By the end, she'll either end up ruling the Wizarding World or running from it.

**Note: **This story will reflect life – in that I mean that there will be heterosexual and homosexual relationships between characters. Additionally, this will end up a rare!pair story. Nothing explicit will be in this story. I don't know how to write that.

* * *

**Chapter One**

Marietta Edgecombe was pleased with herself. Her interview with the _Daily Prophet_ had gone spectacularly. Verone Vector himself had owled her to commend her strong language and to offer her a place on his "anti-Granger, anti-insanity squad," as he had called it. She had fancied the professor all throughout her Hogwarts years and was hoping that the new partnership went well. Perhaps it would lead to romance? Hermione Granger would just about have kneazles then! She, Marietta, would be happily married to a school governor and famous member of the intelligentsia and Granger would be out on her ass – with only Eloise "Acne Queen" Midgen and Vincent "Dumb as a Post" Crabbe to keep her company. That would show the cow!

Yes, Marietta Edgecombe was walking on air. This feeling of satisfaction and overall happiness only increased when she saw the bouquet on her desk. The flowers – pansies, daffodils, and lilac amongst other flowers – were arranged with a skill and style that spoke of Agatha's, the premier Diagon Alley florist. _Perhaps it was from Vector!_ Marietta's mind squealed. He hoped to woo her with the lush display, certainly. Happily humming to herself, visions of smart blonde children with curly hair running through her head, Marietta picked up the card. It was not from Vector. No, not at all. The familiar writing of Hermione Granger made her stomach drop.

Shaking, Marietta placed a hand to her forehead. The word "SNEAK," which had decorated her forehead for her last four years at Hogwarts and five years beyond that had faded suddenly two years ago, but was not easily forgotten. This penmanship, the one on the card she held between two quaking fingers, had graced her body for a total of nine years. She would never forget Granger's distinctive loopy writing. Marietta licked her lips, opening the card to read it. "Thanks you for the kind words in the _Daily Prophet_," Marietta read aloud, her words echoing in her tiny but largely empty office. "I can only hope that they are permanently memorialized. Yours, Hermione."

Marietta collapsed into her chair, her legs no longer able to hold her. Granger was a vicious cow, emphasis on the word "vicious." A bitch. A force to be reckoned with. Marietta thought to herself that taking on the ex-Gryffindor was maybe not her greatest idea. Maybe it could be called her worst idea. Maybe Granger was going to kill her this time, not just tattoo her with damning spots. But it was too late now. She was in it for the long haul. She was in Granger's radar and she was doomed. Vector would be left alone.

Vector! Vector agreed with her that Hermione Granger needed to be stopped. In fact, the entire thinking community of Britain agreed with her. Hermione Granger was not a good person. Hermione Granger needed to be stopped. Marietta nodded her head, straightening her back. "Hermione Granger needs to be stopped," Marietta spoke aloud. Her words bounced from the wall back to her, strengthening her resolve. "Hermione Granger needs to be stopped. She needs to be stopped. She does." Marietta repeated this to herself a few times. This was correct, this was right. Marietta Edgecombe would not be intimidated! Marietta reached into her pocket for the letter Vector had sent her.

She would win this battle. She had logic on her side, she thought, tracing the letters of Vector's name with her finger. Marietta would see Hermione Granger expelled from the Wizarding world. She would win the heart of Verone Vector, prominent Wizarding mind. Marietta Edgecombe – not Hermione Granger – would be a named written in the history books. She would be hailed as the greatest force in Britain, the one to save the traditional Wizarding way of life. She would live happily ever after and Hermione Granger would live in poverty and obscurity. Marietta Edgecombe would be vindicated!

* * *

"What seems to be the matter, little ladies?" George Weasley was going through a cowboy phase to match the John Wayne movies that he, Hermione, and Pansy Parkinson had been watching. In Hermione's opinion "little ladies" was far better than the "youse guys" kick George had gone through during their _Godfather_ and _Sopranos_ marathons.

Hermione shook her head to clear it. They had a serious problem on their hands. "Pansy is forcing me to write threatening letters to those she has deemed 'the enemy'!" Hermione shouted. She and Pansy had been arguing for upwards of an hour before George was called. Hermione was sure he'd speak sense. (A puzzling sentiment if there ever was one.)

"How threatening?" George asked, leaning against Hermione's desk. "Bloody fingers?"

"No!" Hermione exclaimed, outraged on Pansy's behalf. Pansy had her problems but dismemberment was not one of them. For her part, Pansy stayed silent. Hermione had been doing enough shouting for six people never mind the three present. "Pansy made me send flowers to Marietta, which I thought was overkill, but nice in an 'olive branch' sort of way. We debated for a while as to where to get them and I thought to myself, Well, if we are going to go all the way we might as well buy them from Agatha's… And then we thought about which flowers to get – we didn't bother with meanings and, overall, I was of the mind that we were making a very nice gesture and, perhaps, we could meet for lunch or something – "

Pansy rolled her eyes, punching Hermione in the arm. "Get the point, Granger! We don't have all day."

Hermione rubbed her shoulder. "The point! Right!" Hermione turned towards George, animated once more. "The point is that she had me write on the card 'Your words should be eternally written on your forehead' or something! I thought we were doing this nice thing and then she pulls that out of the bag! Threatening!" Hermione pointed her finger accusatorily in Pansy's direction.

Pansy snorted, ignoring Hermione entirely. "_That_ was not what she wrote down and she knows it." The brunette smiled. "What _we_ wrote was this: 'Thank you for the kind words. I can only hope that they are permanently memorialized. Yours, Hermione.' I thought it was verging on subtly threatening. Granger here, of course, wouldn't know subtlety if it threw a quaffle at her, but c'est la vie." Pansy shrugged.

George smiled. "Hermione is Hermione. She doesn't realize nuances. That's why we love her."

Pansy shrugged again, seemingly ambivalent to George's words. "'Sneak' is gone from her forehead by this time. I just thought it was worth reminding her."

"See!" Hermione shouted again, pointing more forcefully at her Slytherin business partner. "Frightening!" Her words, however, were lost on the two. They had, by this time, taken to totally ignoring her.

"Frankly," George said after a long moment, turning once again to the now furious Hermione Granger, "I think it is brill. Especially the 'Yours, Hermione' bit."

Pansy nodded, her bob bouncing. "Thank you."

George returned the nod with a smile. "Pansy is sneaky and smart and that's why I'm going to marry her one day."

Pansy rolled her eyes. "You wish, Weasley." Gathering up the papers on Hermione's desk. "You've never even asked me on a date." Pansy patted Hermione on the head. "I'm going to the kitchen to have some nosh and work on this perception problem. I am sure we can turn the tide of public opinion." She walked out the of the office, but before shutting the door she did throw out, "See you later, Weasley."

George sighed with happiness, slipping bonelessly into one of the two leather armchairs that sat in front of Hermione's large cherry desk. "Cor, she's wonderful. Our children are going to be amazing."

"Yeah, if you make it that far," Hermione muttered, dropping down into the other armchair. "I'm going to Azkaban."

George sat up, suddenly alert. "Hermione, they've attempted six times since September to charge you with multiple crimes. Not one has stuck. Pansy knew what she was doing when she hired Blaise Zabini to be your lawyer. This charge won't stick either."

Hermione took no note of his words. "Minerva sent me a letter today, you know. I have always, always looked up to her. She is so disappointed in me." Hermione rolled her head to the side to look at George. "She says that Voldemort, too, thought he knew what was best. She compared me to Voldemort, George!"

"She's just being a bitch," George groaned. "_She_'s the one who thinks that she knows best. Percy says that she was the main reason he went to work in the Office of Magical Regulation. He really wanted to work in Muggle Artifacts, but Minerva thought she knew best and wrote the department head a letter saying Percy was unsuitable for the Misuse office. Granted, Percy got really caught up in cauldron weights so maybe she had something there, but talk about high handed!" George leaned forward, catching Hermione's hand between his own. "_You_, my dear, are making suggestions. No one has to take them." George let her hand go. "I think they'd be bloody stupid not to, however."

Hermione smiled. "That's nice of you, thanks." With a sigh, Hermione stood up. "We have a lot of work to do in the coming weeks. We have to cover up parts of the business that we don't want them to find and get a statement ready for the Wizengamot. We three just can't do it all – even if I hire Blaise to work a million hours. Or bring in Patrick –"

"Barty," George interrupted with a laugh.

Hermione grinned. "Right, even if I bring in _Barty_ – and you know how the bastard hates paperwork – I'm not sure if we'll ever get it done in time." She rolled her shoulders back, feeling the tension her body had been wracked with the last two weeks, ever since she had sent her essay into her editor. "I'm thinking of bringing on Harry and Vince."

"Vince?" George sounded skeptical. "Harry?"

"Yes," Hermione responded, her tone firm. "Harry maybe busy with quidditch and whatnot, but he's trustworthy and would never betray me. We could just have him collate if all else fails. And Vince is out of work so he has plenty of time on his hands. But more than that he's a big supporter of my latest essay. He never wanted to go to boarding school. That's why he clung to Malfoy and Gregory like he did. He was too scared to meet anyone else and felt stupid all the time." Hermione shook her head. It was a pity. Vince was sweet and smart and no one would ever realize to look at him.

"Oh yeah," George rejoined. "The sob story of the Slytherins. Merlin, Hermione, but you have a _modus operandi_. Has there ever been a time you've seen a stray that you didn't immediately take in?"

Hermione flushed, glancing down at the agenda she had written out for herself earlier in the week. "Malfoy and I have never gotten along."

George laughed for a while. _Too_ long a while as far as Hermione was concerned. "_Malfoy_," he finally said, "is not exactly what I'd call a 'stray.' He's the heir to the fourth largest fortune in Wizarding Britain and will never need to work a day in his life. Plus, you do take in Malfoys. You're always gadding about with Narcissa these days."

"Narcissa is gadding about with me," Hermione corrected. "She's a sweet woman, although woefully shallow. I have no idea why she thinks being seen with me with make her waning star rise again. She asked Eloise on a date, you know."

"No!" George leaned forward, his face keen with interest. "Eloise?! I thought for sure that she'd ask Fleur or Fleur's sister, Gabrielle, or someone similarly fashionable."

Hermione gave a wry smile. "Evidently not. As Eloise tells it, Narcissa said, 'Too many fashionable persons in one space ruin the effect of my outfit.' She was really quite insulting. I'm surprised that Eloise deigns to speak to me."

"Are we bringing her on too?" George asked, cocking his head to the side.

"No. Definitely not. I value Eloise as a person, a friend, and an occasional date, but we're not close enough for her to work for me."

"And Crabbe is?"

"Vince is different in many ways," Hermione responded quickly. "Is there anyone you recommend bringing on for the crunch?"

"Luna, of course," George said. Hermione perked her head up and frantically wrote down her name. "I'm assuming that her omission was an oversight. I'd say Angelina as well. She can be the face of our dating service. She's a whiz with lies of omission."

Hermione nodded. "If you say we can trust her, we can trust her. What do you say about Harry and Vince? Pansy's bringing on Adrian Pucey."

George scowled at the mention of Pansy's ex-boyfriend. "I say 'yes' to Vince and 'no' to Harry. I like Harry a lot – he's my brother-in-law and all – but I think he's going through enough right now. Ginny says that they are having problems."

Hermione frowned, glancing down at her list. "Pansy said the same thing. I'll have to call him." Hermione wrote a few more things down before glancing up again. "Do you realize that after today – if everyone we ask accepts – I will have five employees out of eight from Slytherin?"

George laughed. "Makes sense. Sound business decision, Hermione."

"I hope so."

George nodded his good-byes, taking the papers from Hermione's outstretched hands and left her office. He didn't say where he was going, but Hermione had a strong suspicion that the kitchen would be his first stop.

* * *

Marcus Flint raised an eyebrow when he saw the owl. It was Hermione Grager's owl. A few years ago, he wouldn't have known what kind of owl Hermione Granger owned. Now, however, the whole world had changed. Everyone knew everything about the ex-Gryffindor. She was a legend in the making. "Love letter?"

Vincent Crabbe laughed. "Yeah, right. You met Hermione. She's not exactly the love letter type."

"She could be making an exception for you," Marcus drawled. He plucked a few chips from his basket of fish and chips and slathered them in vinegar. "She seems to like you well enough."

"Yes, she does. Well enough," Vince responded, opening the letter.

"You two serious then?" Marcus sipped at his butterbeer slowly, trying not to look _too_ interested in Vince's letter from the controversial author and multimillionaire.

"Nah," Vince responded, folding the letter back up and putting it in his interior coat pocket. "She likes me well enough, like you said, and I feel the same way about her, but we're casual. In the long run, we're just not what the other wants."

"And what does she want, Vince?"

Vince laughed around a bite of his sandwich. "You just gave yourself away with that one, mate."

Marcus blushed. "Come on then!"

Vince laughed again. "What you really want to know is if you are what she wants."

Marcus scowled into his butterbeer. "So you say."

"You're not what she wants," he answered matter-of-factly. Vince fished his wallet out of his trouser pocket and Marcus processed this information.

Frowning, Marcus responded. "She's more interested in birds, then."

Settling the bill, Vince laughed. "Oh Marc, that's rich! I tell you that you aren't what she wants and you think that she's more interested in birds. Can't be just because of you."

"Well…" Marcus stood up quickly. "How do you know what she wants anyway?"

"Me? I'm just guessing," Vince responded, standing as well.

"Guessing? Well, that's not very precise, is it?"

"I know her pretty well, Marcus."

"I should say so. You've been sleeping together for months."

Vince pushed the door to the tavern open and walked out into the bustle of Diagon Alley. "I should probably stop that soon."

"Why you would want to let a woman like that go, I'm not sure." Marcus pushed his hands into his pockets, avoiding the gazes and hands of strangers in the street. He was the best quidditch player on Puddlemere. And they were the best team in the league. He never seemed to be alone anymore.

Vince laughed, oblivious to Marcus' admirers. "Is it the multiple arrests that attract you?"

Marcus forgot himself for a moment, flinging his hands out of his pockets and grabbing Vince by the shoulders. "Are you insane?" He shouted. "She's turned out well gorgeous and her smile just lights up a room. And she's deadly brilliant." Marcus dropped his hands from his friend's shoulders. "I'm shocked she'd want anything to do with you."

"I'm surprised she'd want anything to do with Midgen. If she was going to take up with a bird – which I don't mind, I've been going with Lisa Turpin myself – I didn't think she'd take up with Midgen. Midgen's not what you call attractive."

Marcus snorted, shoving his hands back in his pockets and resuming his defensive posture. "Now who's being ridiculous, Vince? Your face isn't exactly gracing _Witch Weekly_."

Vince casually elbowed Marcus in the gut before walking into Quality Quidditch Supplies. "And yet your ugly mug is on the cover every week!" he shouted, slamming the door in Marcus' face.

Marcus laughed, waving good-bye, and continuing on down the Alley.

* * *

Lucius Malfoy couldn't say he was a fan of the odious woman who sat in his favorite leather armchair – an armchair that he would be forced to burn when she left. That was an understatement. If given the opportunity, he would kill her. He would probably not get the opportunity however, unfortunately. The Ministry had been breathing down his neck ever since the Dark Lord stopped breathing. As if wanting to kill the weakest sector of the population was a _bad_ thing. Weren't the muggles always going on about "population control" or some such dreck? He should be commended if anything. Lucius scanned his study, his eyes falling once again upon his unexpected and unwanted visitor.

"I'm so glad that you had time to see me," Dolores Umbridge simpered, clutching the tea which some elf (who would be killed before the day was out) brought her.

"I did not and do not have time to see you, Dolores," Lucius reiterated. "I believe my exact words upon your arrival were, 'Do go away. I am a very busy man.' And those words were true and they are becoming truer by the moment. Narcissa will be here soon enough and I need to finalize our divorce proceedings."

"Your time is precious and so appreciated," Dolores continued, taking no note of his speech. "I have heard that Malfoy Manor is beautiful, but this is truly magnificent."

Umbridge was good, Lucius would give her that. She was a Slytherin, tried and true. Lucius tried a Gryffindor approach (that lot seemed to be winning in all sorts of ways these days), but Umbridge had beaten him (as Slytherin always should and would in the future, if not the moment). If Lucius did not give her some of his time she would continue to sit here all day writing sonnets to his drapes. And as the elves seemed to be conspiring against him, his only recourse was to speak to her. "Very well and good and all," Lucius butted in, interrupting Dolores ode to his Persian rug. "Dolores, what it is exactly that you want?"

Dolores laughed and, if Lucius wasn't mistaken (and he wasn't as his eyesight was above average), batted her eyelashes at him. Mr. Malfoy was going to be sick, his stomach was dancing a tarantella at this very moment. "_Lucius_, if I may call you Lucius," Dolores began. Lucius had so not wanted to ruin his carpet with his sick. At his lack of response, Dolores continued. "_Lucius_," she said, batting her eyelashes again and threatening the very composure of the eldest Malfoy, "we have so many of same goals and _desires_."

Lucius very much doubted that they had the same desires. His desire was to run from the room. Her desire, if her behavior was any indication, was to _mate_. Lucius looked at her with a grimace. Oh! She was still speaking. "Come again?" he asked, wincing at the crack in his voice.

Dolores smiled indulgently. If Lucius was so distracted by her beauty so be it. Her mother _had_ always said that she was an uncommonly pretty girl. "_Lucius_," she began again, delighting at the way he shivered when she whispered his name. His arousal was flattering to say the least. He was absolutely quaking with romantic anticipation. She would say his name again to add to the excitement. "_Lucius_, I am suggesting a partnership. I am the head of WASP – the Wizarding Association for Superior Pedigrees. We run crup shows for pureblood crups and teach children the importance of breeding." Dolores laughed – potentially the most grating sound Lucius had ever heard. "Good breeding, that is to say."

Lucius ran a hand through his hair. What in Merlin's name did _he_ want with some animal organization? All he wanted was for her to leave. Now. "Come again?" He must sound like an idiot.

Dolores gave her own shiver, one of pleasure. This confirmed it. Lucius was absolutely driven to distraction by her beauty. Cordula Fudge would be extremely jealous. Cordula was married to Marius Skeltonkey, Kingsley Shacklebolt's cousin, and while that was quite the connection – especially in this post-Dark Lord world – it wasn't exactly _right_. Being Madame Dolores Malfoy was so much better than being the wife of a popular blood traitor former Minister of Magic's cousin. Dolores Umbridge (soon to be Malfoy) was a woman of high moral standards. She demanded pure breeding from crups and Wizards alike! And by marrying Lucius Malfoy – _the_ Lucius Malfoy – she would lead by example, her morals intact. Not that she would need her morals for very long. Malfoys had too much money to need morals. Dolores would get straight to the point, giving Lucius ample time to seduce her. (She would give in quickly to his romantic demands.) She wanted a spring wedding, after all, and it was already February. "WASP, on its surface, _Lucius_, is a crup breeding organization and educational centre. At its core, _Lucius_, WASP is an organization of moral wizards and witches attempting to make the Wizarding world stronger via good breeding."

Lucius shuddered again. The woman's obsession with his name coupled with her sudden desire to whisper everything gave him the almost uncontrollable urge to beat her to death with his cane. He believed that this was the "fight or flight" instinct kicking in. "Madame Umbridge," he began, hoping to create polite distance and encourage her to stop saying his bloody name, "if you recall, the Ministry almost convicted me of being a Death Eater. They are constantly at my door. I am unable to join your club although I praise its cause." There, Lucius thought. That should end it.

Dolores beamed. _Madame Umbridge!_ He was trying to be gallant as he began to court her in earnest. How charming. "In these troubled times WASP lacks funding. Weak-willed persons refuse to take a stand for what they know is right. I understand your position. But surely you can spare a few galleons for a just cause? We need money more than ever as we begin our campaign against Hermione Granger and her pro-muggle ways."

Lucius frowned. The woman, however terrible, was correct. "I shall consider the matter and owl you later in the week, Madame Umbridge. Now, if you will excuse me – " And good Merlin, Lucius thought, shaking again, please do. "Narcissa will be here any moment."

Dolores smiled again. He was deliberately drawing out their encounter. "I will owl you later in the week," he had said. No doubt for a romantic dinner as well as a hefty donation to the cause. "Of course, _Lucius_. You are very kind." His shivering was delightful! She wondered if he would stop shivering at her seductive whisper of his name when they had been married for a year or two. She hoped not.

Standing slowly so that he could fully take in her majestic figure, she offered him her cheek to kiss. Something he could remember her by, she thought. It would be an image he would fall asleep to, a sweet smile gracing his lips.

The woman must be ancient for all the time she as taking to get out of the armchair which only a half hour ago was his favorite. She froze, her cheek towards him, and Lucius froze as well – wondering if she had realized his intense desire to bat her to death. How gauche of him. He made a vague high-pitched (and frankly embarrassing) sound in the back of his throat.

"_A kiss, Lucius_," she whispered, inching her swollen, jaundiced hand towards his knee. Lucius gulped and kissed her briefly, her papery skin against his lips disgusting. He would be unable to fall asleep tonight. She turned her face towards his as her hand grabbed his knee and gave it a single squeeze. Lucius wondered if he wouldn't just be sick on top of her as a smile curved across her lips.

Dolores saw how Lucius paled and couldn't help but smile. It was a heady feeling to see _Lucius Malfoy_, famous Death Eater and fourth richest man in Wizarding Britain, so overwhelmed by her femininity. "_Good-bye, Lucius_," she whispered seductively against his ear before walking slowly to the fireplace and flooing home.

Lucius, unclenching his eyes, saw that she was gone and ran into the hall. He promptly vomited into Narcissa's favorite vase. It was in this position that Narcissa found him, still heaving, ten minutes later.

"Oh Lucius!" Narcissa exclaimed, pulling her hand from the arm of her latest conquest, a large, brutish man named Clint. He was from the States. He was twenty – a full five years younger than Narcissa's own son. _Witch Weekly_ branded their the relationship "the second most shocking of the year." Narcissa was overjoyed at the placement. (Hermione Granger's on-again off-again relationship with Eloise Midgen had stolen the top slot.) "Lucius!" Narciassa cried again, rubbing soothing circles upon his back. "I knew that by divorcing you I would cause you pain, but I had no idea of the depth." Narcissa _had_ told Lucius when she left him that he would never against find a lover so beautiful. Here, Narcissa had come in first in a _Witch Weekly_ survey. (Hermione Granger was sixth. Upon discoverin her many rankings, Hermione had criticized _Witch Weekly_ for lazy journalism, citing that the publication was fast becoming a giant compendium of lists rather than an actual magazine.)

Lucius groaned into the vase. Perhaps a good-bye shag with Narcissa would eradicate the feeling of Umbridge's cheek from his mind. Lucius heaved at even the thought of Umbridge's name. And to make matters worse, Narcissa no longer seemed to be in the mood as she had removed her hand from his person. "Very well, dear. You stay there. Clint and I will take my things and go." Narcissa paused and Lucius took the moment to vomit once again. "I _had_ hoped to keep that vase, but you can have it seeing as you are so attached." She patted his head, shoving his face further into his own sick, causing yet another wave of nausea. "Toodles!" Narcissa said happily bouncing away, no doubt with Clint following behind.

Lucius was quite composed and no longer ill when Narcissa emerged from the second floor a half hour later. Lucius had made good use of his time, gleefully burning his chair and the elf that had served Umbridge tea. The ensuing bonfire had delighted the house elves – bloodthirsty little bastards – and it was confirmed that was the "bestest master ever." Narcissa, herself, was flush with happiness –new trinkets had always pleased her. She stood silently next to Lucius, watching Clint lug around large boxes which could surely have been shrunken.

"Isn't he wonderful?" Narcissa sighed. "It is really too bad that I will have to – what does Eloise say? Oh yes – that I will have to dump him."

"Why?" Lucius found himself asking, despite the fact that he didn't care what her answer would be. He had instantly understood the meaning of "dumping."

"To date Hermione, silly!"

"What?!" Lucius attempted to recover his usual aristocratic ennui. "Why, Narcissa, I did not even know you were interested in women." _That_ was information he could have used during their marriage.

Narciassa turned to him, one eyebrow cocked. Lucius had gotten quite dim. She was smart to have divorced. "I'm not. But I want the media to be interested in me. And Hermione Granger is the future. I am quite sure that she will come out on top in this little mess."

Lucius developed a headache at the mere possibility of such a thing occurring. In a single year Granger had amassed a mysterious fortune large enough to knock him down to number four on _Witch Weekly_'s list of wealthiest Britons. _And_ all his ex-Death Eater friends were using a device called a "biro" with which to write – something Granger introduced to the Diagon Alley set and was likely making gads of money from. The girl was a menace. "She will be brought low by her pride," Lucius growled.

Narcissa laughed. "You've been talking to Dolores, I see." Kissing him on the cheek in parting, Narcissa left, Clint in tow, in her newest toy, a silver sports car. Of course, Lucius did not see any of that as he was too busy heaving into what once was Narcissa's favorite vase.

* * *

**Next time: **Are Hermione and Eloise on the rocks? What is going on with Harry Potter? What will Ron and Hermione do about Lavender's tell-all book? Is Hermione being followed? Where is Luna? Why is Narcissa so crazy? All this and more! Stayed tuned!


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